


Chateau Romani and Birthdays

by Dontjudgemyfanfichistory, McTimeWithAutomail



Series: LU group writing crack fics [1]
Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Another Crack Fic, Crack, Gen, It's time week yall, Linked Universe (Legend of Zelda)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:13:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23075305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dontjudgemyfanfichistory/pseuds/Dontjudgemyfanfichistory, https://archiveofourown.org/users/McTimeWithAutomail/pseuds/McTimeWithAutomail
Summary: It's Time week on the LU discord server! So to celebrate we did the absolute worse thing we could imagine.We wrote crack.
Relationships: Four & Hyrule & Legend & Sky & Time & Twilight & Warriors & Wild & Wind (Linked Universe), Malon (Legend of Zelda)/Time (Linked Universe)
Series: LU group writing crack fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687420
Comments: 17
Kudos: 55





	Chateau Romani and Birthdays

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is.

“Happy birthday to you!!! Happy birthday to YOUUUUU! Happy BIRTHDAY DEAR TIm _ iiimmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeee.  _ Happy BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.” Everyone shouted simultaneously at each other.  All the boys were currently at Lon Lon ranch. Celebrating Time’s Birthday. 

“It sure is great to be older than sliced bread. Can’t wait for next year!”  He said, as though he wouldn’t be murdered horribly by some author before then.  (Like Lucy)

“Is he joking?” Wind turned towards Twilight. 

“Nope,” Twilight said solemnly. “He’s older than dirt.”

“How fucking old even is sliced bread?!” Legend turned to the group. “What does this mean when it comes to the old man’s real age?!? Is Malon into older guys?!”

“Kinky,” said Warriors, who was immediately decked by several shoes flying at him.

“I am older than all of you  _ that’s  _ for sure.” Time said, 10th glass of wine in hand. “Imma birthday boy.” he murmured sippin it slowly.

“Congrats you fucking dinosaur.” Legend held up a slice of cake in cheers because he preferred cake over alcohol.

“I love birthdays.” Wind sighed contently, taking a big chug of wine. “It’s the perfect time to break out my old shit.”

“You really shouldn’t be drinking.” Four tried to grab the bottle from Wind. Wind only took another long swig from the bottle.

“And you shouldn’t be so short for your age, but the world is a weird place that allows midgets like you to exist and pirates like me to drink, so shut your mouth.”

“Dear stop drinking. You’re scaring the kids.” Malon called from the living room. 

“Wind  _ is _ one of the kids…” Warriors came up behind Wind, snatching the bottle before finishing it off. 

“They should watch me take SHOTS.”

“Honey no.”

“Chateau Romani herz I come.” His drink of choice materialized in his hands, because as we all know the universe grants special gifts on birthdays.

“Holy shit does Time have a slate too?!” Wild stared in shock as the drink appeared from thin air. “You’ve been holding out on me man!”

“No, my boy. It is the gift of the lesser known goddess, Hirthday the goddess of birthday.” He nodded to the sky. “She’s the only damn goddess I respect around here.”  Time proceeded to pour Chateau Romani into his ocarina before taking a drink from his instrument. When he caught the groups’ horrified stares he shrugged before saying. “I have like a million more of these in my closet.”  (eeeeeey nice ref. I knew there was a reasoj I liked ui beth) (aww babe ily)

Distantly, as though calling from the sky, a voice was heard saying “Hell yeah bro! I’m the cool goddess!”

Malon quietly walking to the room and pried the alchoholic ocarina from her husbands hands. “I think it’s time to stop drinking Love. If you get addicted your Minecraft girlfriend might leave you.”

Warriors gasped. “Not your Minecraft girlfriend!”

“The fresh fuck is minecraft?” Twilight looked around. “Is this one of those cool kid things like the woah or whatever?” Twilight then attempted to dab to show what he meant.

“No swearing. Only the hero of nothing ducking time is allowed to swear.” ( 

“So what happens if I say fuck?” Legend asked. His question was answered when his hat spontaneously combusted

“Finally that stupid fu-fricking hat is destroyed. That monstrosity needed to go…”

“You know what needs to go? You!” And a blood feud was begun.

“That’s what you get! Hah! Why don’t you think I have my hat anymore.” Time laughed. 

Suddenly there was a cry from outside. All the boys went to see what had made the noise. 

Outside there stood . . .  THE MOON

“ITS BEEN A WHILE HERO OF TIME”

“Oh fuck, don’t tell me you’re with the old man, I already told him I’m not into guys.” (ItS DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE TAKE THIS) Time pulled out the fierce deity mask. He dropped it when it impales his hand with so many splinters it would make a tree jealous. 

In fact a tree was jealous. The Deck You Tree was very jealous. “Only I am allowed to be splintery bastard!”

“Deck You Tree, use splinter!” Navi yelled after throwing a red and white ball at Time’s head.

“Navi...is that you?” Time’s eyes filled with tears as the fairy grew a set of hairy man legs and teeth before running off.

“Wait, come back! Don’t leave me again!” He reached towards the heavens as the creature who was his former fairy left this plane of existence.

“It was never meant to be, fairy boy.” Malon placed a comforting hand. “Navi was too thotty to handle…”

“Is this a party?” Ganondwarf asked. The hero’s turned to see Ganon. But short. “I brought beer.” The tiny lad commented. 

“Baby Ganon???” Wind asked in awe.

The group broke into a chorus of singing “baby Ganon” much to the dismay of the villain who was somehow shorter than Four.

“Precious babey. Probably Tingle kin.” Time cooed.  “The Cursed Child like that one book by JK R*wling.”

“I feel very offended, but also very small.” Small ganon said. 

“Don’t dare to invoke the name of He Who Shall Not Be Named.” Wind hissed, daring to place a hand over Time’s mouth. “He will smite us all.”

“Shut up Wind. At least your tingle was hot.”

“A small lad.” Twilight agreed.

Moon ==> Retrieve legs.

The Moon is doing a jig. He is dancing. The heroes all watched him spin around. He was having a good dance.

“WHERE THE HCK DID YOU GET LEGS?” Time screamed. “And WHY are you wearing a GARTER BELT??!!”

“Because I am getting married tonight.” 

“To . . . Who?” Time asked. Scared to know the answer. 

“Say hello to your next father, my son.” The great deku tree explained. “I never knew love until I saw the moon.”

“We are in a polyamorous relationship with Fester from the Addams Family.”

“No. . . To much. . . Please. No.” Wind was shaking in fear at the commotion around him. 

The Moon looked straight into Time’s eyes. “I am your father.”

“NOOOOOOO” Time yelled before throwing himself down into the void of space to avoid continuing the conversation.

“Honey? Why is there a large whole in the yard?” Malon asked. 

Time couldn’t answer because he was in the void. 

“My mom senses are tingling…” Twilight stood up suddenly. “Where’s Hyrule?!”

“Oh, you didn’t know? We ditched him two world-jumps ago.” Four shrugged. “Something about him getting lost in Caver-R-Us.”

“I have been forgotten by the authors.” Hyrule said out of the blue, appearing suddenly.

“Oh me too,” Sky said after coalescing from a cloud of feathers.

“That’s because it’s not Hyrule and Sky week. It’s Time week  times two  suckers.” 

“It’s not that you were forgotten, you just aren’t important.” Hyrule slipped on a pair of sunglasses. “Two words: motion controls.”

“Garry would disagree.” Sky said, growing a beard spontaneously in honor of Garry.

“LOOOK OUT BELOW!!!!!” Shouting from the sky, They all looked up and Saw Time falling from the sky. No one ran to catch him so he fell through the exact same hole again. Wash, rinse, repeat.  The cake is a lie.

Wild whistles for his horse. He hops on and they go charging into the distance. Goodbye Wild.

Wind suddenly grabbed the Master Sword Sky dropped on his way down the hole, shouting “SUCK IT, HYLIA!” Before throwing the master sword in the hole.

“Wait, does that mean…” Warriors pondered before yanking out his hookshot and shooting the moon, before yeeting the happy meal box faced monstrosity into the hole. “BEGONE  **THOT** !”

Wild is back! He rides his horse into the hole. He falls, falls, falling…

He wakes up in a snowy clearing. There is a single lamppost.  As a half-man, half-goat creature wanders into view, Wild’s brow raises. “The Lynels here are fucking weird looking…”

“How rude!” The faunus cried before digging a new hole and throwing Wild back in, sending him back to his own universe. Narnia has enough problems without a gremlin hero causing more issues.

“LooooooooOOOOOOK OUT BEEEEELOOOOooooooooooooooww nevermind.” Time once again fell through the portal.

As Wild landed on Time’s back, Time winced before saying “I think you popped my slipped disks back into place...however, you absolutely trashed my ribcage.”

“I live to serve Time.”

Meanwhile while this all goes down Legend serenades everyone with a song on the ocarina. It went like doot doot doot and then was the Titanic song except badly. Everyone loved it except for Ghirahim, who didn’t matter because he wasn’t invited.

Warriors looked out the window longingly for his Ghiraman, lighting a single candle in his honor. “If only my Ghiraman would end my Ghira-suffering…” A tear slid down his cheek as he watched Legend play the ocarina with his nostrils.  “We are ill fated star-crossed lovers, just like  chimken numget and hot dog.”

Marin managed to use all of her mighty power to take corpreal form momentarily to slap the ocarina out of Legend’s hands. “Fucking dumbass misusing such a powerful instrument…” Sh eshook her head disaproovingly, vanishing before Legend could even process that his nonexistant girlfriend had temporarily appeared.

“So moon, deku tree, looking for a  fourth (because they also love Fester from the Addams Family) ?” Ganondwarf asked, sliding next to the moon, still dancing his happy jig after reappearing from whatever void he had been thrown into.

“No way hosay! I am not looking for mac n cheese everyday for breakfest.”

“How did you KNOW that that’s the only thing I can cook. Screw you.”

“The great deku tree knows all.” Said the great deku tree (who knew all.)

Suddenly Jojo appeared and said “This isn’t canon everyone go home.” She shooed away the cursedness and waved them all away.

“Time is forgotten by everyone and his birthday is nonexistant. Now  _ That’s  _ canon.” Said Jojo

Lucy forgot her life's purpose, and  Ink screamed Walk Like an Egyptian,  McTime was yet again jailed for being incredibly cursed, and Peri laughed at the shenanigans of their questionable choice in friends .

We are trruly questionalbe peri  The end  *Ta da*

**Author's Note:**

> There is goes.


End file.
